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| You wish you could be stronger. You wish an umbrella of shame, guilt, and embarrassment did not envelope you, paralyzing you from action. You find your progenitors’ irrational fear of victimization laughable, but continue to be sapped by your own fears. You are a third of the way through your life and are realizing some things are unlikely to change. The person who you dreamed of growing into is looking more and more like a stranger. You’re still the same five-year-old kid struggling to confront his emotions. You have picked up a few coping mechanisms since then, but you’ll never be the strong, heroic extrovert you fantasized about growing into. | You wish you could be stronger. You wish an umbrella of shame, guilt, and embarrassment did not envelope you, paralyzing you from action. You find your progenitors’ irrational fear of victimization laughable, but continue to be sapped by your own fears. You are a third of the way through your life and are realizing some things are unlikely to change. The person who you dreamed of growing into is looking more and more like a stranger. You’re still the same five-year-old kid struggling to confront his emotions. You have picked up a few coping mechanisms since then, but you’ll never be the strong, heroic extrovert you fantasized about growing into. | ||
| <p> | <p> | ||
| - | You faced an unbalanced anger. Uncontrolled rage that stemmed from a previous generation’s abuse and neglect that your progenitor lacked the strength, self-awareness, and external help to overcome then wittingly or not faithfully passed it on to you. You resent them for this weakness and even more so for fortifying you with this weakness, for making you through and through utterly vulnerable. Despite the best facades, despite years of reflection you are imbued with garbage that denies its own stink. | + | You faced an unbalanced anger. Uncontrolled rage that stemmed from a previous generation’s abuse and neglect that your progenitor lacked the strength, self-awareness, and external help to overcome then wittingly or not faithfully passed it on to you. You resent them for this weakness and even more so for fortifying you with the same, for making you through and through utterly vulnerable. Despite the best facades, despite years of reflection you are imbued with garbage that denies its own stink. |
| <p> | <p> | ||
| You bullied others as a child. You tortured them; their suffering brought you glee. You were a sadist and still are to this day. It is not the healthy-to-express bedroom sadism. It’s the evil kind of sadism. The kind that, left unchecked, leads to moral thresholds where once crossed can never be uncrossed. You remain aware and on edge--you contain the monster within you for fear of it ruining everything you’ve worked for. It thinks you deserve to be ruined. You know better, but you also know just how good it feels to let it run free. | You bullied others as a child. You tortured them; their suffering brought you glee. You were a sadist and still are to this day. It is not the healthy-to-express bedroom sadism. It’s the evil kind of sadism. The kind that, left unchecked, leads to moral thresholds where once crossed can never be uncrossed. You remain aware and on edge--you contain the monster within you for fear of it ruining everything you’ve worked for. It thinks you deserve to be ruined. You know better, but you also know just how good it feels to let it run free. | ||
