I THINK ∴ I'M DANGEROUS

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essays:view_from_outside [2019/05/28 20:08]
zashi
essays:view_from_outside [2019/06/06 13:39] (current)
zashi
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 It was made abundantly clear to me, one of the worst possible things I could do is embarrass my parents. This reinforced my "be invisible"​ tactic. What actually happened didn't matter; only outsiders'​ perception of it. This mirrored my own experience at home. What I felt and wanted didn't matter, only how I acted and reacted. ​ It was made abundantly clear to me, one of the worst possible things I could do is embarrass my parents. This reinforced my "be invisible"​ tactic. What actually happened didn't matter; only outsiders'​ perception of it. This mirrored my own experience at home. What I felt and wanted didn't matter, only how I acted and reacted. ​
  
-Despite my inability to see the obvious regarding the nature of my family, ​something ​were always clear. People would comment on how nice or friendly my mother was and I would marvel at their mis-perception. I got to see her being all smiles and friendly to their faces, and once they were gone, she would proceed to shit-talk them for hours afterwards. For the most inconsequential things, too. +Despite my inability to see the obvious regarding the nature of my family, ​somethings ​were always clear. People would comment on how nice or friendly my mother was and I would marvel at their mis-perception. I got to see her being all smiles and friendly to their faces, and once they were gone, she would proceed to shit-talk them for hours afterwards. For the most inconsequential things, too.  
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 +When I was in second grade, I learned that my mother was a teacher in her homeland. She had taught second grade in the Philippines. Even at eight-years-old,​ I realized that sounded terrible. I distinctly remember thinking, "​she'​s terrible with children, that must'​ve been awful."​ Yet I couldn'​t apply that to myself. I couldn'​t see that she was terrible with me and that that was wrong. If I recall correctly, she quit because she couldn'​t handle the job.  
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 +Everything about my family seemed okay from the outside. My depression and moodiness leaked outward to my parents chagrin. They just blamed it on being a teenager
  
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