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essays:mothers_day [2019/05/24 13:19] zashi |
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| I always assumed my father had the same perspective as me in regards to my mother. I realize now that is a foolish assumption, but I suppose that's the fog of war for you. Thinking back, my mother never dished out physical abuse when my father was present. And he did stick up for me a couple times when she was dishing out verbal abuse (to which she whined, "why do you always take his side?!"--yes, why are you always defending the crying five-year-old from from the screaming thirty-something?). But what this says to me, the fact that she hid what she did (she never tried anything in public, either) means she knew it was wrong. If ever there were the possibility of reopening communication, that epiphany eliminated it. | I always assumed my father had the same perspective as me in regards to my mother. I realize now that is a foolish assumption, but I suppose that's the fog of war for you. Thinking back, my mother never dished out physical abuse when my father was present. And he did stick up for me a couple times when she was dishing out verbal abuse (to which she whined, "why do you always take his side?!"--yes, why are you always defending the crying five-year-old from from the screaming thirty-something?). But what this says to me, the fact that she hid what she did (she never tried anything in public, either) means she knew it was wrong. If ever there were the possibility of reopening communication, that epiphany eliminated it. | ||
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| - | My father was a weak, emotional mess. Codependent and cowardly. Terrified of being alone and incapable of taking care of himself. He orbited around his wife and took his share of abuse from her. I blame him for his weakness. For failing to see his relationship as unhealthy. For not knowing he could do better. He was a victim of his own making and I would have more sympathy for him if his weakness didn't cause so much harm to come to myself. Maybe he hadn't so willingly participated in emotional blackmail, I would've visited him that one last time on his deathbed. | + | My father was a weak, emotional mess. Codependent and cowardly. Terrified of being alone and incapable of taking care of himself. He orbited around his wife and took his share of abuse from her. I blame him for his weakness. For failing to see his relationship as unhealthy. For not knowing he could do better. He was a victim of his own making and I would have more sympathy for him if his weakness didn't cause so much harm to come to myself. Maybe if he hadn't so willingly participated in emotional blackmail, I would've visited him that one last time on his deathbed. |
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| Principally, my mother used pain and shame (and threats and violence) to control me. My father relied upon guilt. They were both raised Catholic and shaming and placing guilt came as naturally as breathing to them. Both of them continually played the victim. My mother was unquestionably the biggest 'victim.' Even when it was my mother being unreasonable or had made some mistake, it was my father who ended up apologizing and kowtowing to my now incensed mother, who proceeded to withdraw attention and affection that my father craved. I could always tell when my parents were fighting because my mother moved about the house silently, ignoring my father, silent treatment being her go to response after her rage-phase settled down. | Principally, my mother used pain and shame (and threats and violence) to control me. My father relied upon guilt. They were both raised Catholic and shaming and placing guilt came as naturally as breathing to them. Both of them continually played the victim. My mother was unquestionably the biggest 'victim.' Even when it was my mother being unreasonable or had made some mistake, it was my father who ended up apologizing and kowtowing to my now incensed mother, who proceeded to withdraw attention and affection that my father craved. I could always tell when my parents were fighting because my mother moved about the house silently, ignoring my father, silent treatment being her go to response after her rage-phase settled down. | ||
