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essays:mothers_day [2019/05/24 13:26] zashi |
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| I was happily going about my Sunday, one day in May. I was on my way to my very fulfilling martial arts class--something I always wanted to do but was too afraid to pickup while under the thumb of my parents. While driving I got a call from my father. With great annoyance and mild contempt, he reminded me it's Mother's Day. When was I planning on coming by to see my mother? Was I planning on at least getting her a card?! It hadn't even occurred to me it was Mother's Day. | I was happily going about my Sunday, one day in May. I was on my way to my very fulfilling martial arts class--something I always wanted to do but was too afraid to pickup while under the thumb of my parents. While driving I got a call from my father. With great annoyance and mild contempt, he reminded me it's Mother's Day. When was I planning on coming by to see my mother? Was I planning on at least getting her a card?! It hadn't even occurred to me it was Mother's Day. | ||
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| - | I didn't care. I had no genuine emotion to express. Every empty gesture I made out of obligation caused mountains of guilt, because not too deep down I knew I as lying. Every holiday I did what I was supposed to do and said what I was supposed to say just to stave off the guilt and the accusations of ungratefulness and unworthiness. These are some of the few lies I truly regret and feel remorse for telling. | + | I didn't care. I had no genuine emotion to express. Every empty gesture I made out of obligation caused mountains of guilt, because not too deep down I knew I was lying. Every holiday I did what I was supposed to do and said what I was supposed to say just to stave off the guilt and the accusations of ungratefulness and unworthiness. These are some of the few lies I truly regret and feel remorse for telling. |
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| I could feel myself wanting to give in. I could feel my self planning out how I would grovel and do my normal minimum effort good son act. But I couldn't take it any more. It was his tone that was the final straw for me. His indignation that I could shirk such an important duty. That my mother was so entitled to her day of obsequiousness. Fuck that. "No," I told him. "No, I'm not coming by." He was a little surprised. Why not? he asked. I almost laughed mirthlessly, "Because that sounds terrible." Finally some honesty from me. He again asked why, like a toddler comically missing subtext. I fell back to lying and said "I don't know" because I didn't want to talk any more. I didn't understand the depth of the abuse or the far reaching impact at the time. I only knew how terrible being around them made me feel and how moving away from them made just about everything better. I couldn't explain the years of torment, the damage that had been done to me; the absolute nothing I felt for the two people who brought me into the world and raised a broken sham of a person. Who taught me nothing of value, only how capricious and arbitrary life can be. I learned more valuable and healthy life lessons from being a latchkey PBS watcher. | I could feel myself wanting to give in. I could feel my self planning out how I would grovel and do my normal minimum effort good son act. But I couldn't take it any more. It was his tone that was the final straw for me. His indignation that I could shirk such an important duty. That my mother was so entitled to her day of obsequiousness. Fuck that. "No," I told him. "No, I'm not coming by." He was a little surprised. Why not? he asked. I almost laughed mirthlessly, "Because that sounds terrible." Finally some honesty from me. He again asked why, like a toddler comically missing subtext. I fell back to lying and said "I don't know" because I didn't want to talk any more. I didn't understand the depth of the abuse or the far reaching impact at the time. I only knew how terrible being around them made me feel and how moving away from them made just about everything better. I couldn't explain the years of torment, the damage that had been done to me; the absolute nothing I felt for the two people who brought me into the world and raised a broken sham of a person. Who taught me nothing of value, only how capricious and arbitrary life can be. I learned more valuable and healthy life lessons from being a latchkey PBS watcher. | ||
